And So It Goes

It was another day.

Nothing unique about it. I woke up around 1:00pm alone as I usually did, went downstairs to take my morning piss and asses the situation. I was almost out of booze but I still had some weed. Plus I had a pocket full of cash my girl gave to me the night before. A few hundred bucks in soaked and wrinkled in sweat, mostly one dollar bills. I had gotten used to it and so had all the local merchants I frequented. It all spends the same I suppose. Besides, how could I be upset? After all I was her best customer when we met. Ah well, I digress.

Time to see who is out there.

My cousin and his girl are still passed out in the other room and everyone else works…except Steve! Good ole Steve. He is always ready to party. I grab the keys to my jeep and head to the Cape to collect the boy. After finding him at his parents house having just woke up himself, we torched a bowl of my finest herb and cranked some TOOL and headed down the power lines for an off road adventure.

After a couple of stops to smoke more weed and finish off last night’s tequila we decided the bar was in our future. I brought Steve to his truck so we could race each other to Plymouth. His was the faster rig but I am the more aggressive driver and I take more risks.

Before the night ended we were kicked out of over five bars and one family restaurant for being “obscene”.

Steve sat shotgun as we left his truck at the first bar, and now he was hanging out my passenger window screaming “fuck you” and flipping the double bird to anyone including a family and I turned my MVD tires into a cloud of smoke. I don’t remember the drive, just the music. Marilyn Manson’s Anti-Christ Superstar album cranked as loud as it could possibly go.

I must have had God on my side that night.

We made it to my place without incident or accident. We had to hold each other up in order to walk(stumble) and slurred the lyrics to “Follow the Reaper” as we made our triumphant return. When we opened the door we saw my cousin wearing an empty 12 pack on his head, next to his girl and a beeramyd of epic proportions on the coffee table.

Steve and I looked at them and then at each other, we both smiled, and then we simultaneously pinched each other in the face. Both of our noses were instantly broken and bloody before the battle even commenced. I remember my cousins girl screaming and my cousin kept trying to stop us. But we were target fixated on each other. Both looking for a knock-out. At one point he even threatened to “jump in” if we didn’t stop. We paused just long enough to point and laugh at him and continued to fight.

By  the time we stopped, blood was on every floor and wall.

Both of us were spent and needed sleep with buckets for the blood and vomit. Somehow Steve made it home safe and sound. We are still as close as brothers. Today we get a laugh out of the memories of our crazy past.

But we are also reminded of how lucky we both are. We have both suffered greatly in this life having similar demons feasting on our sanity. However, we both strive to recover. I can now remember most of the things I do and I pray daily.I am thankful that all of my personal stories end without death. Though I cannot say the same for my fallen brothers. I’ve lost 2 close friends to this illness in the last 6 months and another was in a coma for 90 days and suffers from permanent brain damage.

I am 30 years old but my body feels like I am middle aged. I am optimistic, and I am blessed with two beautiful sons and we are all in decent health. Life is worth living if for no other reason than love. Even the hope of a possible future love is worth striving for. I am not perfect and I will make many mistakes, but I no longer live in a self-destructive state of mind. This thing called “addiction” or “alcoholism” is trying to kill us as it lies to us with its false comfort and convinces us everything will be fine.

That’s not real life! Real life hurts sometimes and things are not always pretty. But if I try to kill the pain and suffering with drugs and booze the relief is only temporary and returns with vengeance seven-fold. The only thing it truly kills is hope and love. If you find yourself feeling hopeless, please reach out and scream for help. God shows you love and understanding through another suffering and recovering addict, or anyone who has been through something traumatic.

We are out there and we are here to help.

We love you.






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