BY ANONYMOUS AUTHOR
“I don’t know if I should tell you this…”
“Ma you can’t say that to me and NOT tell me! Come on, out with it!”
“It’s Serenity…” My mother starts to tell me but then stops, and I can hear the pain in her voice. “She…killed herself.”
I am a million miles away laying down in a green field under blue skies and golden sunshine. There is a river there, moving gently but swift through the field into a dark forest. The sound of the water used to calm me, now all I hear is someone crying. A scream. A loud banging. Red lights. I am ripped away from the peace of nature and brought down to the cold concrete of reality.
“Yes mom, I’m…I’m still here. I can’t believe it…she was doing good…she hadn’t been back to the hospital in years right? How did she do it?”
“Apparently she overdosed on her medication.”
I shut my eyes and clench my jaw tight. I grip the phone like a life raft, my knuckles turn white, my mind scrambles to find the right thoughts, but it all feels so pointless…life…what is the point?
“I know Danny, I know. I am so sorry. Her mother is hurting really bad. I cannot imagine what she is going through. Do you want her address, maybe you can write to her?”
“I have it. I will write a letter to her. God damn it what the—-!”
I almost slam the phone against the wall, but I hold back. No sense in getting in trouble.
“You know I love you, right Danny? You know that right? I love you so much!”
No emotions, no tears, nothing. Empty. Cold. Lifeless. Stuff it down to the deep dark depths where this will never see the light of awareness again.
“Yes mom, I love—-”
YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES REMAINING ON THIS CALL
Our conversation is interrupted by an ugly computerized voice telling us that we have to say goodbye. It cost 10 dollars for 30 measly minutes to call and talk to family and friends.
“I love you mom. I gotta go.”
“Hang in there kiddo, you are strong, stay strong and maybe talk to someone?”
“Yeah I will, thanks. Say hi to Dad for me okay?”
“I will, good—-”
I hang up the phone and turn around to face the unit I live in. To my left is the basketball court. A heated game of hoop is going on which will probably end up with a lock down because of a fight over something stupid. I put my head down and walk, watching my Velcro shoes tap against the stained white linoleum tiles. I weave around the wist players throwing cards down like they were throwing down their lives. Past the Scrabble players trying to find the perfect word to win the 20 dollar pot that they bet. That is a lot of ramen noodle soups. I pass the zombies staring at the television screen watching another rerun of Two and a Half Men. I look around for the guard, he is at his desk using his smartphone. I keep moving. I reach the stairs and I climb them to the second tier and make my way to my home away from home. The one I am forced to live in for two and a half years for something I did not do. I fight back the rage that swells in my chest and threatens to consume me. I just grit my teeth and clench my fists until I reach my cell.
I hold my hand up signaling to the guard to crack my door so I can shut it. The loud crack lets me know I can lock myself in. I walk by the stainless steel mirror and stare at it for I don’t know how long. I just stare into my eyes and wonder. Who the hell are you? What have you become? Why are you here? When will I get out of here? Where is Serenity? Why did the only girl I have ever loved kill herself? Was it because I was in here? Was it because I couldn’t be there to help her? She had bi-polar numero uno, that means she was unstable and crazy right? I couldn’t help her! I tried. I tried so hard…but look at me, I’m in jail and she is in the ground, or in the morgue, frozen, cold, lifeless, empty…just like me. I am alive in a grave, at least now she can rest.
Your blonde hair. Your sweet smile. Your loving laugh. The feel of your body on mine. Your touch. Your voice, it was like an angel.
I wet my face. The cold water soothes my burning face.
I sit down on my bunk and put my face into my hands and just sit there in the solitude and silence. I cannot hear anything. All I hear is her. I picture Serenity in front of me. I almost believe it isn’t true, and that she is still alive. I try to imagine her laying on her bed…all alone…an empty bottle of Klonapin on the nightstand…her last moments…what was she thinking? Was she thinking of me?
My hands shake. My legs feel numb. Vision blurry. I slowly fall to the cold cement floor and curl up into a ball.
All I feel is…I cannot feel. No tears, no emotions, no feelings, only this emptiness.
This makes me feel worse. Why can’t I feel. I want to feel! I have spent my whole life running away from my feelings, and right now I just want to feel the pain. I want it to wash over me like the waves at the beach I used to go to as a child…
Where’d you go?
Please don’t leave me.
I love you.
I need you so much, and I’m so scared Serenity please…please…please…
Curled up in a ball all alone on the cold floor of a jail cell.
And then…my eyes are closed and all I see is white.
And then…the tears. Flooding my whole being is a tidal wave of feelings that I never got to feel.
I hold on to the vision of Serenity. I hold on to it as I convulse in pain. I can barely breathe…
Time did not exist, space was only in my body, and I cried and cried and screamed in pain.