Conquer the Self

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When I was 23, I conquered myself. 

What I mean is, I finally faced the truth and the things inside of me that were slowly killing not only myself, but those around me. I am talking about the extreme selfishness that exists in the heart of everyone of us. The desire to care only for oneself, and disregard for anyone else because in the end, the fear of losing what one has or the lies like if I take what I want I will be happy, or if I just look away it will all be fine.

Wrong.

I used to live life like the captain of a sinking ship, I had no hope and I gave nothing but heart-ache and misery to my family and friends, crashing into other ships and running aground daily. 

Yes, life used to be about searching for a quiet death. I woke up, got high or drunk, and then went to sleep. I stole, I lied, I cheated, I got around the laws and looked for loop holes and short cuts thinking that it would get me to the finish line faster than you. I thought life was a race, and the goal was to work, make as much money as possible, buy all these nice things and settle down to start a family looking forward to retirement.

No.

This is not what God had in mind when he created Charles.

God had something else in mind, and when I was ready he sent me into the darkness…alone…afraid…and angry. I had so much rage inside like two vicious hyena’s caged…I fed them lies and made up stories and resentments of people I did not even know. I forced my way into the lives of others with a false sense of security placed in alcohol and drugs, and I made one hell of a mess.

The root of the problem is always selfishness. If you think about it, you cannot experience life without self being attached to everything you do and everywhere you go. So when someone is too focused on the self, what happens?

Those are the ones who don’t wave, or who don’t hold the door, or who get in fights with people at bars and in public, or who cheat on their spouse, or who close down national parks and try to control others through fear and government brainwashing…whatever, think of someone who pissed you off recently…yes, them too. The who thing starts when someone is thinking and caring only about themselves, and so it goes…they say something to you and off we go on another display of human defects of character.

That is just it. Defects of character. Just because someone kills someone, doesn’t make them a bad person. (Nathan Lane said it best). Kill can be used in different ways too. One can kill a child’s sense of security and love by yelling, hitting, molesting, or just not even hugging them. I kill people’s sense of normality by the way I am when I walk down the street. If you walk by me, be prepared to look me in the eye and maybe even smile.

Just kidding, fag.

What is the exact definition of selfishness?

According to the 1930’s Oxford Dictionary:

  • of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for other people; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure:
  • I joined them for selfish reasons
  • I spend millions on a war that benefits the rich and kills the poor.
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