Running in the Dark…

“The dark makes you stronger, the light makes you comfortable”

KRS-one

Looking back on my past is like walking down a long, winding, pot-holed, dangerous road that runs along a cliff and then curves around into a circle.

Round and round the vicious circle I trudge.

I like to walk around it when I come home…or when I see an old friend…or even just sitting in my room all alone. The best places to walk sometimes, are in your mind. But my mind is bad neighborhood, and I am on the wrong team.

Sometimes the sun is out and I can see where I step, I can see enemies and the distance which I send love for friendship, and I can remember certain events that bring me smiles and laughter.

Other times I run, I run from the truth…and the cold harsh reality that the past brings.

Life has changed so many times, I have moved around to different places at least five times in the past year, and I am planning on moving again. Why can I not sit still? Why can I not stay?

The answer is this: I am running in the dark, getting stronger, running for my art, all the while singing my song.

For years I thought being in a bad place or in an institution or jail was wrong, bad, not right.

Sure…from societies standpoint and family/friends it was, but how about we keep an open mind and try another way to look at something that was cried, worried, fought over. If we set aside all the frothy emotional shtuff, what do we see?

I see a young person learning how to navigate through the rough seas of life, battling himself and others for a place to stand and be free from his own mind and subsequent insanity.

I see a kid grow into a teenager who felt different but hid it behind lies and reckless behavior. From a teenager to young adult he got into trouble, lost a lot of good friends, and isolated himself in a dark world where no one else could go. He stole from people, even his parents and sister, and broke into places not caring about how that affected the owners.

Drugs, drinking, unprotected sex, all of things I was told not to do I did, all in the name of self-destruction. I was scared, alone, and confused.

The dark is symbolic of ignorance, lost, and fear.

But out of the dark comes a strength no book or class or parent could ever teach.

It must be lived.

This strength I carry with me today. It is what keeps me going and keeps me growing towards a better person. Always striving for better, always trying to help and make someone’s burden lesser. I use the strength I got from being in the dark and carry it out into the light where people around me need it, and for this I must admit my life is blessed.

I once was lost, hopeless.

I did not care if I was ever found, by the self I was bound – my hands used to hurt, steal, and drown – the love that was inside me its like somebody lied to me – told me the truth was in taking from you…

Now I see how evil I became, no amount of forgiveness could take away that shame, that guilt, the blame I felt all these years. But the will to survive and be a better man, open up my eyes and hold out my hand, not to take but to give, not to break but to mend the broken life I have lived. The only way to mend is to be a good friend, to forget about the end and focus on the start of a new life, a new love, in a world so desperate let’s do our part and and shine light into someone else’s darkness.

In the dark I remember crying out for help, I would have done anything to be freed from that hell, and I thought I did, but no matter how much pain and ache that seemed to make my heart shake, SOMETHING was with me every step of the way, and that is why it is so important to pray, even if you are out there alone, broken, and afraid.

That is the best time to close your eyes and look for the light.

You have to make it through the dark to see the light.

To anyone I hurt, please forgive me while I work to make it right.

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