Slippin Up

 

Anonymous Author: Escape

Fucking it up all along the way.”Where ever your at there you are.” Typical bullshit mantras I refused to believe in. Maybe this move was poor choice. I can’t help but feel like I sabotaged my self before my release. Feeling like I didn’t just abandon hope but that I never bought that shit to begin with.

Bad choice, good choice, decide, fail. Repeat-repeat-repeat….

Why the fuck can I not get this? Have I really lost all touch with humanity and reality? Do I have more in common with a sociopath than with a normal person my own age? Does none of this even fucking matter anymore?

Do those who love me now suffer more than I do over my own life?

I hide.

I blame.

I neglect.

I run.

I destroy.

I am a self-absorbed pain machine. I run off the tears and regret of those who love me. I feel NOTHING for it. The thoughts creep in silently; undetected and unchecked. They morph into a faceless voice that slowly takes over my mind and body. I become an avatar for my disease to thrive through. Yet I still refuse to fall to my knees, to put my hand up and ask for help.

Save me,

I’ll do whatever it takes.

Forgive me,

For I don’t even recognize my own face.

Love me,

Because I cannot love myself…

And now she’s back.  When she looks at me and tells me “even when you can’t love your self, I love you.”

Fuck her. I fucking hate her.  I fucking hate that I love her and love her still.  I hate because she has what I want.

She has what people would lose limbs for but it can never be bought. She has stability, confidence, and security. She helps other people.

This once running partner and girlfriend is a fucking saint now! Fuck me. I hate her because I know that I will never get that shit. Bitter self contempt.  I hate because no matter how much I truly love her she will never believe it. And why the fuck should she anyway….

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