I called out your name…
Not out of love but out of shame, how could I let you go when it was me who pushed and pulled and lost control….
Of myself of life of love of the will to do the right thing in a mind that has to fight so hard in order to see the light.
A week ago today I gave up the fight.
Seems I was going against everything rational that made sense, I wanted to go out into the cold darkening day with nothing but a car and a change of clothes – no plan – just hit the gas and go. I chose to give up and give in to fighting myself, after a while it gets tiring. All the lies I try so hard to keep alive and the truth…oh boy…the truth?
I am afraid of the truth.
So instead of telling it when it could SAVE MY LIFE, I hide away hoping this time means something, this time will be different, this time I can break the laws of the universe and somehow come out the other side perfect and peaceful…
Without doing any work on myself or on my life.
Only a few of which I can say have been lived with a clear head and healthy body. It is like there is a maniac that coexists with my thoughts of who I am. Every couple of months he hijacks my brain and takes over the controls. It is the best explanation of a person who loves with all his heart and wants to help society and the people around him…then TURNS AROUND AND ROBS THAT SOCIETY AND THOSE PEOPLE, and CREATES CHAOS AND CONFUSION without any care towards himself, his body, or towards those people who are hurt and confused why? WHY DID HE DO IT!!!
Moments I remember as having meant something. I won’t forget them. When so much pain builds in a being, the moments are memorable – where I was, what I looked like, who I was with, and why right now I am with God. Too much pain drove me to a place I never want to see again.
The place where no one can reach me, alone and scared, praying for help again.
Right now, this second, now another second, the present moment so elusive. Here I feel at peace. I am okay. Whatever happened out there is gone and in the past. I am right here, accountable and ready to accept whatever will be, will be. Because what will be in the present moment, my home, is beyond my control…so I accept and move forward with my head held high.
So what is there to be afraid of?
Diary of a liar telling the truth.