It Happened…Again

How many times have you been down and out?

What did it feel like to slowly lose yourself to a drug, a drink, a relationship, a piece of food, a job, all in the name of righteous rationalizations and “it won’t happen to me’s”?

The end is never a pretty sight to behold as you realize that after all the deceit, manipulation, and lies…there you are. Beautifully miserable you with all the shortcomings, defects, and resentments that will kill you. Every one who has ever tried to love you is on the sidelines, some already left because they saw no hope for the home team to win this insidiously sick insane game that keeps score through guilt remorse and shame.

When did you realize there was a problem, and after that realization what is like to experience complete defeat at the fear of ever overcoming the past that brings you to tears?

I remember and always will remember that moment when the world seemed to turn its back to my cries for help outside a dealers house in Dorchester. The rain poured like pain on my soul holding on the only hope I held close…a wooden cross and a silver Jesus…my life shattered into a bunch of missing puzzle pieces as I sat there soaked seeking anything for relief.

Do I get up and walk into the darkness surrounding me?

Where will I go? Who will take me in? I am no good, nothing, worthless, not even worth loving just look at what I have done…imagine the consequences of lying face down underneath the sun…kinda sounds appealing when all I can hear is my mind tearing out my eyes blind screaming…

Hold tight to the cross, it’s all I have left. Lord I am so lost please just take me right now, no more breath no more pain no more shame only death…I can’t do this…I can’t make it in this world…tears blend with rain drops splatter mixing emotions with oceans of past, present, and future omens…

God what do I do? Look at me! Look where I am! I failed, I cannot succeed…no matter how  hard I try…I always end of crying to the sky as I shake rattle and roll in between being high…

I love you God…I love you God…I love you God is all I can say, my hands are cold lifeless and dirty…they shake…please God help me make it through the night. If I make it and next day awake I will never forget the deal we made and get up, stand up, start walking the talking I used to do during all those nights  prayed…

As I felt new strength flow in, as I felt my Creator showing his power, his love, his strength like a hurricane of spirit blowing I stood up straight tall and strong. Underweight, strung out and full of self hate I put one foot in front of the other…I got help from my family, my friends, my brother….and now I am here to say that it was not a waste that you stayed up all night and prayed…here is your answer…

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