Life Used to BE

What happened to the world?

Why do I feel so alone?

I can see my breath in the stone cold

empty,

abandoned,

broken

home.

Image

So I recollect what I know about myself, and I realize something…there is a power inside of me that is worth more than this feeling, this thought, this emotion, this medication in the form of pot…

I have been smoking medical marijuana given to me almost for free by a “caregiver” as relief from symptoms of a virus I seem to have. Blood work will determine exactly what it is that makes me feel sick. The medical pot has got me out of bed and moving at a regular pace, as well as heightened my faculties and senses so that I am more aware than if I was not on it. 

If you strip away the act of taking it, same thing like using a needle for diabetes, and put pot in a pill…it’s the same thing and even better if I saw a psych doctor who was able to guide me through what can be a hard time. 

I found out I had Hepatitis C on a gray day in November 2012. I was driving in the car with my friend and sponsor Mike C. He is an amazing man by the way, if he would just take the time to let someone tell him that! Aaannywho, I got the call from my gay doctor Ryan, whom I just love because he was the first doctor to look me in the eye with care and kindness while wearing tight jeans and  a look of stunning. After we scheduled appointments for the liver clinic, I hung the phone up and looked out the window. 

The world passes by even when your life gets hit by something that will change your life forever. Doesn’t even stop or slow down either, in fact who are you? Exactly, move along.

I didn’t really have a reaction to the news, nothing notable at least, The most I felt was regret, but it was readily supplanted by a positive affirmation of some sort like “this will all pass” or “but for the grace of God” and fill in the blank on and on it goes as I neared 60 days sober! I was doing meetings, I was living in a recovery house, I was helping others as much as I could when I wasn’t being selfish, and basically starting over again in a good place on Cape Cod.

The whole time, inside under my skin in my body, a disease grew up and now I am facing something I nor the doctors know. So I will just keep moving forward with my head held high. I did this to myself remember? The disease did it. I am taking responsibility for my actions of sharing syringes that were dirty. I accept the fact that I could die from this decision. Amazing the power of drugs over an addict? Right? 

Before I get judged, I want to tell everyone I love you, and this is not just love I say every once and a while but never really express in action, this is Love!

I want to thank the people who tried to help me, or offered a hand that picked me back up after another fall to the bottom. My poor family, it is almost like they are afraid to have hope and get excited that I am clean and sober…afraid they will get hurt again.

The hardest part is the carrying of guilt and remorse for wrongs done in the past between people your love. How do you get past the anger, resentment, dishonesty, and fear that is created when fights turn into repeat offenses and problems that one should never put on others. 

We are all fighting our own wars, our own battles, and when someone comes into the room and tries to fight you…just look them in the eye. They will run for their life!

 

“He said I’m insane”

As the counselor just stared

Who couldn’t relate to my pain…

I am in,,,a world of lies and pride…this place, where I am standing…watching my mother cry…every ounce of fear and doubt oozing out onto the ground. 

I hang my head in tears.

As my soul slowly fades away into the abyss and dies.

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